Originally Posted: 6/25/2010
Mission Statement: When the world conspires to repeatedly accost me with individuals and situations that defy all human decency and are walking affronts to basically everyone…I feel the need to reciprocate or at the very least unburden myself by berating them, all passive-aggressive-like, through the oh-so fantabulous medium of the internet.
With that I give you, Random Rant #3
Things that have annoyed me since writing Random Rant #2
1. Insect & all insect-like creatures and I have never been on great terms, although there was a short lived morbid fascination with Venus Flytraps back in 3rd grade. So I do not appreciate when people laugh and consider it unlike me, when I jump up and frantically try to remove an offending spider from my person. I think it is completely acceptable, when accosted by a spider, to remove it by any means necessary.
2. If my dad asks me one more time, how to check the voicemails on his cellphone I may very well commit patricide.
3. PSA #1: Public Service Announcement to all LA Females: Just because you live in LA does not automatically guarantee that the weather will always be a consistent and comfortable 75 degrees, especially after dark. If you choose to attend events that take place outdoors and also choose to dress like the whore that you are, DO NOT complain that you are cold.
4. PSA#2 to all LA Females: When out in public, be it at a concert, bar, or simply walking down the sidewalk, learn to control your alcohol intake. I recently witnessed a drunk, belligerent, blonde female fall behind my bar stool. In an uncharacteristic act of kindness, I leaned over and extended my hand to help her up. She not only did not take my proffered hand but attempted rather unsuccessfully to stand up on her on. In doing so her left boob rebelliously fought free of the synthetic, too tight, hideous top it was sausage-like encased in and exposed itself. While no prude, I immediately felt the need to look away from the unfolding train wreck. This is not something I want to see. And before the guys reading this disagree because it was after all a free peepshow, I must add that I observed several guys around us also look away since she was such a disaster zone. Side note: it took her several moments to even realize, in her drunken stupor that her boob was partying it up outside her blouse.
5. PSA #3: Public Service Announcement to all LA Males: When approaching women in a bar, have a better game plan than to walk up and do any of the following:
b. Proceed to insult or put down the woman you’re chatting up
c. Announce that you are in a band
(FYI: None of these will work)
6. I am increasingly peeved by the sheer number of imbeciles who are employed and are pulling in obscene amounts of money but yet can’t seem to perform any kind of useful task without passing out because they forgot to breath (being unable to sustain carrying out more than one function at any time). If you can’t spell…how in god did you become a surgeon? If you cannot follow simple instructions like: print your name in the boxes provided and then bubble in the corresponding letter underneath, do not even bother showing up for the testing phase of a city job and DEFINITELY do not turn to another job applicant seated next to you (namely, me) and ask them to help you.
Sighting 1: While stuck in traffic on the way to the Hollywood Bowl to see my inappropriate older man crush, Sting, in concert, I witnessed a taxi that had a live, African Grey-type parrot sitting atop the taxi meter with the windows open. Is it just me, or don’t most people prefer their taxi rides to be bird feces free? Isn’t this some kind of health code violation?
Sighting 2: The crypt keeper driving maddeningly slowly on the 134 East last Wednesday. I am so tired of screaming myself hoarse in frustration when stuck in a lane behind the world’s slowest driver only to discover upon passing them that they are older than god himself and subsequently feeling guilty for having been mean (albeit mean in the privacy of my own car where they didn’t hear me, but still).
Upon the epic (well, epic to me) occasion of my turning 30 in August (who would have even thought I’d make it to thirty considering my propensity to “poke the bear”) … I have decided to start my very own bucket list. Here it is for your amusement:
1. Get a real job. While I realize this is much more pragmatic than most bucket list items tend to be, my current employment situation is beginning to border on absurd. With all due respect to my current employer and while I appreciate the measly amount I laughingly call a paycheck, being told that I need to sit in an all but empty building (to which I must bring my OWN laptop since there is no functioning computer) and stare blankly at 4 grey walls for any amount of time, is a serious waste of what I humbly consider to be my few talents.
2. Move out of my parents’ house. Simply put, living with one’s parents after a certain age borders not only on pathetic but also “cruel and unusual punishment”.
3. Be in possession of a checking account with a balance exceeding $800. If you need further explanation at this point, you should seriously consider quietly removing yourself from this mailing list.
4. Travel more. Considering what an epic disaster zone the US is both politically and environmentally…
a. Go to Ireland. Drink a Guinness at the Guinness Factory in Dublin. It tastes like chocolate and coffee. ‘Nuff said. Oh and kiss the Blarney Stone. While it sounds slightly unhygienic, I’m game.
b. Along the same line, go on safari in Africa, watch football matches throughout South America, eat Indian food in India, walk on a glacier in New Zealand, finally learn to surf in Australia…there are more but in an effort to save time and space, I basically want to go everywhere.
More to come…suggestions are welcome.
As always, if these posts are an affront to your delicate senses and you would like to be excluded from any similar bursts of vitriolic commentary which is to be my chosen form of catharsis (yoga is for sissies) and the only reason I don’t reach back and bitch slap most people upon first meeting them, please just reply with “I have no taste or sense of humor”.
This email will self-destruct in 5 seconds. Well, no it won’t but how cool would it be if I could actually get it to do that (damage to your computers/cellphones notwithstanding)?